I fucking hate being cheated on. I realise everyone does but it honestly messes your head up so much. The more you care about someone the more it fucking hurts. And it turns out I’ve never actually cared about someone this much. I’m starting to drive myself mad with it. I feel like such a weak person lately and it’s not me at all. I’m getting really sick of trying to hold back tears on trains or in bed. Anytime I’m left on my own it nags at me. That’s one reason I’m only really content when I’m with Sam at the moment. It’s one of those things you can’t just keep bringing up because there’s only so much that can be said but, unless it’s happened to you at this stage, people just don’t realise quite how painful and demeaning it is. Feeling worthless and unattractive is one thing but when the person you care about the most is the one that has made you feel like that well, that’s something else.
I wish it had all never happened and I wish, more than anything, that I could wipe it all from my memory because I’m so sick of it making me feel like this. It’s embarrassing and the thought of that person being like that with anyone but you is the fucking cincher.
Sex never meant that much to me but that because of the people I was having it with. I’ve been far from perfect in that aspect of my life in the past but I couldn’t even imagine being like that with anyone but Sam now.
It’s made me such a nightmare to be around lately. It’s completely exasibated my paranoia and jealousy and I have literally zero trust or faith in the relationship as it stands. I’m annoyed at myself but due to past events I have every right to have trust issues, I just never thought I’d have them with Sam.
Every time he goes out I’m waiting for someone to tell me something I really don’t want to hear and I’m sick of it. I feel ridiculous and I just want to move on from it all but I can’t help still feeling fucking humiliated and I’m constantly dogged with horrid mental pictures of him fucking other people.
All that said, I want to be with him more than anything. It’s a little scary how much I care, it didn’t take me long to make my mind up after everything.
Sorry for this thoroughly long and self-pitying post. I just needed an outlet. There’s only so much you can tell your friends. xo
So…quick life update I guess…currently sat in the flat, wasting my Saturday night watching the voice. I am looking up a couple of bits for uni though if that counts? Logged on to the Mr’s computer and facebook was still logged in, never moved quicker to close a browser in my life, and that includes closing porn when someone comes in to the room! I want to be with him a lot and that means not ever trying to look for a reason not to be. I can honestly say that I can’t think of anything worse than looking through his facebook. I know too much already. Fuck facebook.
Other than that, life’s ok right now really. I have about five weeks left at uni which is nothing short of terrifying but finally starting to get my head down and just get on with my work. It means long and very tiring days at uni but it’s about time I got my arse in to gear after coasting through education for the past 15 years or so! Then, (God willing), I have my graduation in July! Argh, so formal and intimidating. Am I allowed to just go in Hogwarts robes? Anyway…uni wise that’s about all I can say right now. Just going to have to see how it goes!
One good thing about finishing is that I have so much to look forward to in the next few months! I just want things to stay as they are now with friends and relations. I’m more than content with the people around me. I have a handful of really close friends around here that I love spending my time with. I have new friends who I can always have fun with. I have the Manc lot that I need to go and have a major catch up with in the next couple of months and I have Sam, who I pretty much just want to spend all my free time with. Ha, gay.
So yeah, might have rambled slightly but that’s how things are at the moment. Fingers crossed I’ll stay this happy for a while really. Hope everyone else is doing well. Peace xo
PS. Will.I.Am really cracks me up on the voice! Just throwing that out there…